Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
