My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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