I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
