need another drink. this is the easiest way
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Randomize
