Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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