i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
