Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
