Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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