who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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