I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
