Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
