I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
