seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
