I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
