Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
