On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
