Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
