I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
