lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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