i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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