dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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