He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
