I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
