Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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