I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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