She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
