It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
