i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
