I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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