I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
