I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
