Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
