Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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