winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
