My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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