he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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