I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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