Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
