First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
