If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
