nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
