Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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