The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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