I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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