I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
