I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
