she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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