How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
