I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
