I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
