Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
