yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
