She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
